Actually, I foolishly claim ownership for the deeds that you inspire, I keep saying, ‘I have done this, I have done that.’ This self-forgetfulness, a sense of slumber, this ignorance, is a darkness which only you can eliminate. Who else is going to do it?

Oh Lord, you are the Executor, I am merely your instrument!
If there arises any desire in my mind,
I shall hold no sense of doership or independence,
I shall drown myself in the ocean of bliss
I will conduct myself the way you will conduct me
Through the torn strings of this veena, you have struck a nectarine cord,
That has showered like sweet raindrops in everyone’s ears
I sport several miraculous acts in the playground of this world,
Even though you are the Mastermind behind it all.

Tell me Oh Lord, when will I reach that stage when I will forget myself and will become completely yours? I will speak exactly how you make me speak. I will only traverse the path that you will ask me to. There will not be an iota of independence in anything that I do. I want to be a toy in your hands. Will you ever gift me such a covetous moment when this dream of mine will come true? This desire also belongs to you... If I were a bhakta, I’d have had the strength perhaps. I desire to be a bhakta. You’ve described how a human being can be a bhakta:

Madbhaktasango matseva madbhaktanam nirantaram
Ekadashyupavasadi mam purvanumodanam
Matkathashravane pathe vyakhyane sarvada rati
Matpuja parinishtha ch mam namanukirtanam

The company of my devotees; the service unto me and my devotees; observing fast on ekadashi etc.; carrying out ritual worships on special days; listening to my sports; reciting texts that speak of me; love for discourses about me; through worship; chanting my name or singing my praises – these are the ways in which one can show devotion to me.

Having heard these nectarine words from the scriptures, I have been trying to follow it to the best of my ability. Yes, I am having to use the word ‘I’ because you have not been able to take my ‘I’ away. It is rare to come by the company of genuine devotees. From what I could manage though, I have not been able to ascertain as to what is your true nature. The Vaishnavas proclaim that Vishnu is everything, the Shaivites declare at the top of their voice that Vishnu is not worthy enough to be a disciple of Shiva. The adherents of the Shakti cult claim to be superior to all others. I don’t get any satisfaction in the company of these devotees. These people want to limit you to just one form, but then it is your will only; your own device useful in inculcating firm belief in one’s Ishta (one’s favourite deity). It’s difficult to serve, but I try to do it; I follow the ekadashi fast as prescribed, but it is observed with many shortcomings. Further, it is desirable that one is always absorbed in reciting and listening to your sports and discourses, but I end up speaking of everything except you. And it’s not as though I feel a sense of loss in forgetting you. I am not regular in your worship or continuous chanting of your name.

I have not been successful in properly adopting the means told by you. Please give me strength. Give me the strength to know and to understand. I hold on to you tightly. Let me not speak anything apart from your name, nor hear or see anything else. While contemplating pranava, you said a very nice thing today.

The syllables A, U and M, nada, bindu and kala… while thinking about this kala, this one remembered what you have said in the Upanishads in this context.

Brahma Chatushpaada:

Brahman, consisting of four quarters, has a foot called Prakashavat (shining). The east is one kala, the west is one kala, the south is one kala, the north is one kala.

I understood that these four kalas are the kalas of your foot called Prakashavat.

Your foot called Ayatanavat (having support) has the premana as one kala, the eye is one kala, the ear is one kala, the mind is one kala.

Your foot called Anantavata (endless) has the earth as one kala, the sky is one kala, heaven is one kala, the ocean is one kala.

Your foot called Jyotishmat (luminous) has fire as one kala, the sun as one kala, the moon is one kala, and lightning is one kala.

Listen, your talk about the Jyotishmat foot reminds me of something about the three types of kundalini* from Gautami Tantra.

(*Kundalini-shakti (coiled power), according to Tantra and Hatha Yoga is the serpent power or spiritual energy, which exists in potential form at the lowest psycho-energetic centre of the body (i.e., the muladhara chakra) and which must be awakened and guided to the centre at the crown (i.e., the sahasrara chakra) for full enlightenment to occur.)

From the base of the spine to the heart runs agni kundalini with the seed of Aum, from the heart to the third eye, surya kundalini with the seed of desire, and then chandra kundalini with the seed of maya, passing on to the crown of the head. After this comes turiya, the Spiritual Transcendental Consciousness whose presiding deity is Vasudeva. Just as there are fire, sun and moon inside, there is an outside manifestation as well. Kalatita, transcends the sixteen kalas. When these sixteen kalas manifested, they disunited from you, which indeed is the first vibration ever, the Primordial Matter.

Next comes the Supreme Being. Contemplating upon the Being uninterrupted by space, time and causation, as infinite, universal and great, residing with equal sentiment in all beings, one is lost in the Supreme Being. How else can he be apprehended? How can the ungraspable be grasped?

Dyaam murdhaanam yasya vipra vadanti
Kham vai naabhim chandrasuryau cha netre |
Digbhih shhrotre yasya paadau kshitishcha
Dhyaatavyo’sau sarvabhutaantaraatmaa ||

The One whose head the learned Brahmins consider to be the heavenly region, the space navel, both the eyes the moon and the ten directions the ears, earth the feet, to contemplate such a Being who is the Indwelling Self of all beings, is considered to be the goal of meditators.

Meditating thus, gradually the mind is drowned into you and becomes free of the limiting adjuncts.

Needless to state, at the root of all this lies your grace alone, nothing can be achieved without it. It is beyond my capacity to cross the terrible ocean of worldly existence without your grace. Please shower your grace, O Lord! Shower your grace, shower your grace O Life of my life! Absorb me into thee, make me thine.

Bhakta, bhakta… why are you calling out to me as bhakta? I could not succeed in being a bhakta. Even then, the thought of being one, makes my body overcome with a thrill of rapture. Tell me, who are you calling?

You!

Me? Are you calling out to me saying bhakta? How did I manage to become your bhakta? How can a person be a bhakta with so many shortcomings, so many subtle desires?

Are you ridiculing me? Are you trying to scoff at me? Or is it that this isn’t your voice, it’s some mischievous spite in the form of my own mind trying to bloat up my ego? O mind! Are you calling me a bhakta? Tell me frankly, am I a bhakta really? But I can see that the One by adhering to whom one resigns from worldly things, I have not become a bhakta of such a One. And this plight is thanks to you, O mind, it is thanks to you! You are madly running after worldly things; that’s the reason I could not get refuge. O Mind, please shower your grace. Don’t take me here and there. Come with me to God. Take me. Come!

Oh, when will I have direct vision of thee? O compassionate Hari!* I have heard that you are beyond the pale of the mind and speech. Even then your bhaktas succeed in getting your direct vision by having recourse to the chanting and hearing of your divine name, your sports and your qualities. I am unable to do anything. How will I be able to have your direct vision? How will become eligible to listen to your divine tales? I hear the voice now and then, but I have misgivings as to whether it’s you or not.

I do not desire to be worthy.

*Hari denotes any God or Goddess who takes away your sins. Hari may be Shiva, Vishnu, Ganesha, Surya, Kali, Durga…. Christ, Allah… in fact any God that you revere.

O Infinite Ocean of compassion! If you do not show so much compassion, why will people call you Patita-paavan and Adham-taaran, the Redeemer of the fallen and Ferrier of the base!

Who can claim to attain you with one’s worth or competence? Tell me, can anyone claim that? If you do not shed your grace, how can the eligibility come? Kindly awaken in me the desire to realise you. Be kind to forgive my shortcomings and give me the strength to pursue spiritual practice. It is by thy grace that your devotees gain protection as well as capability.

If one hopes to attain you by one’s own might, no one will ever attain you. The holy men state that gaining you is not like the gain of worldly objects; to gain you is to be yours.

Madhava, bahuta minati kari toya
dei tulasi tila, deha samarpilu,
daya janu na chhadabi Moya

O Madhava, with this offering of a tulasi leaf and sesame seeds, I beseech you and pledge my body in your service. I know your compassion is such that you will not reject me.

One has to attain you by offering you the aggregate of three bodies (dehatraya). My desire for you is not pure yet, it has not become a desire that’s void of anything else, it is not characterised by single-mindedness. Several other desires interfere and defeat the single-minded desire for you.

Do I have the desire to go on calling you with the resolve that I will keep chanting my mantra until I drop my body? Where is the renunciation of worldly enjoyments? Where is the importunity that comes from the depth of the being for you alone? There’s nothing of that… Alas! Nothing! I am nothing but a swindler of people in the guise of a sadhu.

Is that my goal?

No, no, that is surely not my goal. I sincerely desire you.

Are you calling? Speak, tell me what you want to say? Please speak, your voice is so sweet, your touch exceedingly delightful. Your nectarine touch works such magic that I forget myself. Where did you learn this kind of touching? Why don’t you keep touching me like this always? Why do you go away? Why do you abandon me? Don’t go away please. Don’t go. Stay. Clasp me tight.

It’s so good to have you here now, there’s no other voice. Why do you go away? Why?

I desire you immensely.

You’ve once again come to ridicule me? What do you desire? Please tell me what do you wish? Why are you quiet? Won’t you speak with me anymore? What wrong have I done that you’ve become completely silent.

Oh, you’re back again? Calling me again? Tell me, what shall I do? What shall I do that will make me stay with you, forever drowned in your depths with the touch of your touchstone. Which are those deeds by performing which I shall become yours?

Mamekam sharanam vraja…

Mamekam sharanam vraja…

Do that.