I am overcome!

Oh, the day you actually come and really touch me, lovingly calling me ‘Prabodh’ and fondly stroke me with your hands, clear the lock of hair from my face and wipe the tears in my eyes – will I have the strength to experience the bliss of your touch on that day?

The way I have seen you in your pictures, I want to see you exactly in that form, direct and palpable. The scriptures and the sadhus say that yes, man can see you directly in the physical form; many devotees have already seen you like that, and even today people are able to behold you, though it’s possible for only the ardent believers.

Speak Ma, tell me about the devotion with which I will be able to experience you and see you face-to-face? How can that devotion be practiced? I will practice that very devotion – I’ll practice it with all my heart. I will strive without indolence until I have your direct vision. Will my hope not be realised? Go away, the way you touch me, I am totally stunned. There’s such yearning and burning when you don’t touch, but as soon as you touch me I forget everything. Wait! Please continue to bless me with your touch.

Well, how are you related to me? What shall I call you? Speak up, why are you silent? Shall I call you Lord, a Friend, a Father or a Mother? Tell me. In the form of Gurudeva, you asked me to chant ‘Ram’ and that’s what I have been calling you. For so many days I kept calling you ‘Ram, Ram’, but nowadays I feel like calling you ‘Ma’. You’re laughing at this, aren’t you? Laugh, what can I do? If I call you ‘Ma’ you cannot take any offence at that, because you alone are the mother in a state with form and father in a state of the formless.

Nothing can happen when you are alone and reposed. It’s only when you desire to effect creation that you split into two.

Maataa Raamo Mat-Pitaa Raamachandrah Swaamii Raamo Mat-Sakhaa
Raamachandrah Sarvasvam Me Raamachandro Dayaalu
Na-Anyam Jaane Naiva Jaane Na Jaane

Rama is my Mother and Rama (Ramachandra) is my Father, Rama is my Lord and Rama (Ramachandra) is my Friend, Rama is my All in All, O the compassionate Rama
(Ramachandra) is my All in All,
I do not know any other; I do not know any other; indeed, I do not know any other.

O how sweet is this word ‘Ram’! As I keep chanting it, my belief in the fact that you are my mother, father, master, and everything will gain a firm ground and I’ll know that I have none other than Ram. My Ram comes to the world again and again to destroy the demons and then graces as the soul of the chardhama, the four abodes of pilgrimage. You are enthroned in the form of the divine consciousness and the Lord of an infinite number of universes. You alone grace all of them. The human mind, forgetting such a great truth, sees you as humans, cows, goats, trees, leaves, creepers etc. There is no greater fool than the mind. It does not see the truth; what it sees is all worthless ashes and cinder. O, in how many forms, and over how many births will you keep coming and raise an outcry!

Well, forget this mental blabber. Explain this to me:

Majhe majhe tobo dekha pai Chirodin keno pai na
Keno megh ashe hridoyo akashe Tomare dekhite dey na.
(I get to see You, but sporadically. Why can’t I see You all the time?
Why do the clouds encroach upon in the sky of my heart, and cover You from my vision?)

You see, I am able to see you sometimes, why can’t I see you all the time? What is the reason? I am the same, why then, by what merit do I behold you sometimes and what is that defect on account of which you disappear from my sight? I appease you so much, but you don’t peep in even once. My heart becomes barren, not a single drop of tear touches the eyes. Oh, what torment is this? I’m sure you can feel it, or maybe not, because if you could, you wouldn’t rejoice in this way having rid me of everything.

When you go away, great dissatisfaction comes over me. I lose interest in everything. Even as I try, I am unable to develop a liking for anything. Even the most moving things make no difference. Your touch is not experienced even inadvertently; this behaviour of yours hurts me deeply in the heart. Then again, I think this anguish is a blessing. The agony that comes from the absence of your sight or touch, O what a sweet agony is it! It is a fruit of austerities performed over several lifetimes. Boundless grace indeed!

It is true, the despair that is due to want of success, wealth, offspring and the welfare of one’s near and dear is actually productive of grief. On the other hand, the despair experienced for you – it is a great rest amid unrest, great contentment despite the discontent. This is a desirable discontent. I know there is nothing that can offer complete satisfaction. I will have to experience dissatisfaction as long as I live. All I desire is that when you go away, casting me in painful separation and drowning me in the ocean of discontent, I am able to call you. I wish that I can continue to wait in the hope of your return.

Listen. Do one thing for me. Just wrap me up in yourself. There are tulasi orchards on all sides of this hut. Bhagirathi is happily rushing towards the ocean. An odd boat is plying away, shattering the silence of the night. The sound of the crickets and other insects can be heard. I have heard you love tulasi orchards. Why don’t you come once and see what a lovely tulasi orchard I have laid. There’s no other way than for you to come to this secluded place and quietly absorb me. I know I have several defects, I have committed scores of iniquities, and I don’t really hope that I will be able to reach you. But you can merge me into yourself. Please can you do that and make me your own?

Is it not right for one to ask you to come in the form that one likes? Will you take umbrage if I pray and plead like that? Alright, you come in the form you wish and make me your own. If I pray that I hug you tight, with my body and all the ten senses, and lose myself in your embrace, would that be considered inappropriate?

You see, I am a rank idiot, I don’t know what is good and what is bad for me. You may do with me what you please. Actually, I don’t need any of these conversations. How nicely you explained to me the japa process for today. In each of the six chakras, in descending order, chant the letters of the alphabet, capsuled with Pranava (Aum), such as ‘A’, ‘Aa’ etc, and then in the reverse, the ascending order, chant the Pranava-capsuled alphabets such as ‘E’ etc. I really enjoyed it.

Ok, tell me, after how many days will you come? After how much time will I be able to have you for good? Whatever you have taught me so far, it is not a doctrine that could make me forget everything? Is it possible that my contact with the external world is completely severed and I am drowned in you alone? Can that happen? Speak. Please talk to me. Don’t you feel sad if you don’t speak? You do.